Holidays without a Child (Struggling with Infertility)

Holidays are so difficult when you don't have a child of your own to hold and love. I will never forget practically running out of the Christmas Eve Service one year. I couldn't get out of the church fast enough. You see, I had been going through about seven years of infertility treatments and the previous two years I had suffered through three unsuccessful in-vitro (IVF) fertilization procedures. I was at the stage where I wanted a baby so badly, and every reminder of children, being a mother, being a family, was just a bit too much to handle.

I had missed one of my good friends baby showers, opted to not watch TV shows like A Baby Story, and just made sure I didn't put myself in situations where I would have to be around babies or children. And here I was at Christmas Eve Service where it was being celebrated as a children's service. Now I knew better. I did. I should not have gone. You see, my husband's (at the time), family was in town and we all decided to support his mom by going to her church for this service. How could I be the only one who didn't go? I had a feeling it might be uncomfortable for me, but I went anyway.

I made it through the carols, the sermon, the holiday wishes...but it wasn't until the end, where they brought Santa in for the church to bless him and wish him well on his "journey" that night, that I started to lose it. You see they asked all the children of the church to go up on the alter and gather around Santa to experience the wonder of the "big guy with the bag." The kids were so excited. They were all smiles from ear to ear, and their joy only made me all the sadder. I looked around and saw all the proud parents, pointing to their kids and giggling. They would lean in together, as parents, to take great joy in seeing their children so excited. Flashes from cameras filled the sanctuary. I wanted what they had. I wanted a child to point to and smile. I wanted to be proud of my child, and wanted to see the excitement and joy that only a child can, so innocently, express.

It started. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. A speech instructor from college once gave a piece of advice which was to look up if you feel tears start to well in your eyes. He said look up and the tears will not fall. I tried. I looked up so high that I thought my eyes might roll back into my head. It worked...for a while. Then it started...major tears...large tears just exploding from my eyes. They were traveling down my face leaving tracks in my makeup like a cross country skier makes in the freshly fallen snow. They were coming now faster and more furiously. My nose was running. I was a mess. (And of course I had no tissues.) I couldn't let my family, or heaven forbid, strangers, see me. I had to grab the keys to the car from my husband's coat pocket and dash out the door, with no explanation to him or my family. The sound of the heavy, huge doors closing behind me sent an echoing boom throughout. I kept going. No turning back now. I tried not to run, but a swift walk with tears darting from your eyes, still makes a scene, whether big or small.

I headed out into the brisk, wintry air of Christmas Eve. My tears had started to freeze which made me only that much more aware of the mess I had become. The streets were quiet. There was a stillness that was a bit calming, and a bit unnerving at the same time. I went to the ice cube of a car and just cried and cried. Then I talked to God. I was starting to get angry with Him. I had no idea how he could be causing me this much pain. He knew how much I wanted a child. He knew how I ached inside seeing children laughing and enjoying life. He knew how much of a strain the intensity of my want/need for a child was causing on my relationship with my husband. So why? Why? Why me? I had anger. I felt sadness. I hurt. My chest ached with such a deep ache that I didn't think I would ever feel "normal" again.

The holidays are such a hard time. Christmas is a holiday for children and family. We see the children's Christmas specials on TV. You notice "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments at the stores. We receive the Christmas cards from family and friends shouting out "I have kids, and you don't!" by putting pictures of their kids on the cards and telling us all about how sweet they are, in the annual Christmas letter. There are those adorable holiday outfits for the little ones lining the aisles at all the stores. We experience get-togethers for the holidays where all the little kids gather, and look as cute as can be. There are Christmas books for kids out in the bookstores. There are the enduring family holiday commercials (especially the Hallmark ones) that tear us up every time. The Santa lines and scenes at the malls are too much to handle. Churches have The Christmas Story acted out by children. The Christmas Carols...enough said. While all individuals enjoy it, children can still see the magic involved. They still believe. So going to events that celebrate the Christmas spirit are bound to be well attended by children. Putting yourself in those situations will most certainly cause you pain.

So, what to do? Skip Christmas? Become a hermit and not leave your house? Of course not. It is the time to take that intense love for children and put it to good use. Buy Christmas presents for Toys For Tots, or support an Angel Tree. Help out those children who may be less fortunate this holiday season. They will be so blessed by your selflessness. This will allow you to take the love that you have for children and help them out in a way that may not put you in situations that will only cause you pain. If going out is just to painful for you, perhaps online shopping might help ease the pain. It takes you away from all the holiday "spirit" and takes away the chances you might get hurt by facing those situations that cause you pain. Maybe it's time to go to an all adults, all-inclusive, beach resort for the holidays. Hey, I'm game for that! But, seriously, whatever you decide to do, just know that it is okay to be sad. It is okay to wish for a child. It is okay to be mad, or depressed. But, it is not okay for it to take over your life and take away all the joy you deserve to receive.

Look into your local infertility support groups who are bound to have group counseling sessions, or individual support options to help individuals facing these feelings of sadness and depression around the holidays. A great online support is www.resolve.org. They are dedicated to providing helpful resources for individuals dealing with infertility.

Also understand, that others may not be as "empathetic" around this time of the year, as they cannot possibly know what you are going through. Take their words with a grain of salt. Those "Just wait, it will happen for you soon enough," or "When are you two going to have kids?", and "You're so young, just give it time," may be like nails scraping on a chalkboard. No one can truly understand unless or until they have been there themselves. Take refuge in the loved ones on which you can lean. Turn to your partner, if for nothing else, a big hug. This may be an opportunity for you two to talk about your feelings about not having a child for the holidays. You both can turn to each other for comfort. Your partner may be having some of the same feelings. Talking it out may make you both feel better, and help you both to understand how the other is feeling. This might be a great opportunity to get closer to each other.

...Oh, and don't watch any sappy Christmas movies on Lifetime or Hallmark if they involve children!...

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! May you enjoy this season with the happiness you truly deserve. There are some people out there who do understand and have been there as well. Just know this too will pass.

With much love, and wishes for a loving and happy holiday season,
Tracy

Birds can do it, bees can do it, teens in the backseat of a car can do it, why can’t I? The struggle with not being able to get pregnant.

So, ever feel like a complete failure because you can't conceive a child? That's how I felt. I remember cringing when I heard that a teenager or young college student got pregnant with an unexpected, unplanned baby. I would get so angry and call them horrible names (to myself of course). Deep inside, though, I thought I was a failure.

I remember thinking, birds can do it, teens in the backseat of a car can do it, why can't I? Why can't I have the one thing that means the most to me in this world. I wanted to be a mother more than anything I had ever wanted. And I wanted it badly. I resented those irresponsible "kids" who were now going to have to make a decision to have a kid themselves, give the baby up for adoption, or (heaven forbid) get rid of it through abortion. I was so angry at them, but at the same time, so envious of them.

My mind would then always go from hatred and anger toward them, to, "What if they don't want the baby? Maybe they would give it to me!" My mind then would take me to places that it never should have gone. I would start dreaming of being a mother and getting their baby--just knowing that they would want to give the baby to no one more than I. I would start fantasizing about what the baby would look like...especially if I knew the two "parents." It was a sick roller coaster ride that I freely took my fragile emotional state on each time I heard of an unexpected pregnancy.

Of course, those fantasies never came to reality. I wasn't going to just "be given" someone's baby no matter how that baby was conceived, planned or unplanned. And as usual, I would find out the outcome of that pregnancy, one that would slap me in the face with the grim reality that once again I was not going to be someone's mommy. It was heartbreaking.

I felt broken.

Something was wrong with me. I couldn't conceive when it seemed that anyone and everyone around me was doing so...and effortlessly at that.

I am the oldest of three sisters. I am supposed to do everything first, right? At least that's how I always believed it to be. I graduated college first. I got married first. I got a house first. I was supposed to get pregnant first. Right. Right! Right? Wrong.

I will never forget that morning. It was a Monday in the middle of March. I was a college recruiter and was heading out for a trip that would take me recruiting all week in central Illinois. I would be gone until Friday afternoon, staying in a hotel all week. I was gathering the last of my belongings when the phone rang. I remember thinking it was pretty early to be getting a phone call as it was not yet 7:00 AM. I answered to a sobbing sister. My younger sister by three years was calling me to tell me that she was unexpectedly pregnant with an unplanned, and I think, unwanted pregnancy. I had to sit down.

So there it was. My younger sister was pregnant. After all these years of me trying so hard to get pregnant, she had accomplished it and without any plan. It appeared that she was upset and angry, oh and scared about this pregnancy. I understood her feelings, because it was her. But, I could not understand why she had gotten pregnant, and not me. I wish I could say that I heard all of what she said after she told me that she was pregnant. I remember hearing something about being scared of what my mom and dad would say, or not knowing how she was going to handle this. But, in reality my mind went to a whole other place. A place where I, again, bought myself a ticket, stood in a very short line, and took myself on that roller coaster ride again. Anger, resentment, hatred, hope, vision, and a glimpse at possible happiness. Maybe if she was not ready to be a mom to this baby, I could! Then she said the words I thought I would never hear. "I think I am going to just get rid of it." What????? I dropped my belonging and ended up canceling my recruitment visits for the next few days.

(Well, I am happy to say that she did not get rid of "it" and I have an amazing almost 11 year old nephew to show for it.)

If you haven't noticed I do have a tendency to go off on tangents from time to time. I know this story probably didn't actually have to be told. But, I just remember how much of a failure I felt I was by not being able to conceive. It seemed like such a natural thing for women to be able to do. I mean animals did it all the time. Animals. Animals that didn't even have the brains capable of processing such an act. They knew how to "do it." And they succeeded. I failed.

I felt like I was no good to myself or my spouse. I was "different." I wasn't "a woman." Childish thoughts, immature thinking, ridiculous statements? Perhaps. But, I felt broken and I didn't know how I was ever going to feel whole again.

Just relax...it will happen when you relax...

Yeah right! Relax! Blah! Do you know how many times I heard that phrase when facing infertility and trying to conceive? I remember being at my lowest point and feeling as sad as I could be, and someone (much older, and who had never dealt with infertility) would "kindly" say, "Honey, just relax. Go on vacation. Take some time 'off' from it all, and it will happen. You are still so young. Don't worry about it so much."

Don't worry about it so much?? Relax and it will happen?? What?? Are you serious?? I know deep in my heart that these people truly did mean well, but come on! If you have never been there and facing infertility, you have no idea what it feels like. It's like when people say to you as a young 20 something, and you are looking for a 'significant other'. People will say, "Just stop looking. It will happen (love) when you least expect it." Uh huh! Whatever! I would go out with my girlfriends and tell myself all night, "You are not looking. Stop looking. What are you doing looking!" No matter what I did, I still found myself stressing about finding someone special in my life.

Well, that's what it's like when you are trying to conceive. You want to just enjoy sex and the passion that was once affiliated with it. But, now every time you have sex, you just want to hurry up and get it over with and then focus on the thought that "this could be the time!" No matter how hard you try to not think about getting pregnant and just try to relax, the thoughts and hopes are ALWAYS there. No woman wants to feel that way, but there you have it, we do. We wish we could still look at our partner with that lust we once had, but now sex=baby, and that is the prize we zero in on.

So, yes, there are people out there who try to be helpful. When others tell you to relax and it will happen, they do mean well. They don't know that it is frustrating you to no end. It's just like I always say though...you just have no idea what infertility and the goal of conceiving is like until you have been there! So, with that, enjoy your day...and just relax! Ha!

My story of adoption...

This is an abbreviated story of the adoption of my little girl. I was told I couldn't have children after 7 years of infertility. It was a hard final answer to hear, but after accepting it (or thinking I accepted it), I decided to go through foster parenting classes to eventually adopt. In fall of 2000 we got a call telling us there was a little girl for us who would be available for adoption. She was three and a half years old and had been through several types of abuse.

She immediately took a liking to my husband but didn't really want anything to do with me. After she moved in things got worse. She would call my husband "dad" and then only call me by my first name (on purpose). She told lies to the social workers. She hit and slapped me and even threw hard toys at my head while I slept. She and I fought constantly. She called me names, told me that I wasn't her mom and then turned into a complete angel when my husband came home or other adults were present.

She and I were not bonding. I was exasperated. I didn't know where to turn. She was still our foster daughter with an adoption planned and looming in the near future. I was starting to think that maybe it wasn't best for us to adopt her. I talked to my husband, but it was hard for him to understand because he had bonded with her and he never saw the behavior I spoke of. I tried to talk to the social workers who basically made me feel like some...like I was a horrible person. They would say, “kids are not "for rent", you should have never gone down this road if you felt you couldn't do this, how could you do this to a child who has been through so much,” and on and on and on. I couldn't sleep. I got on the Internet at 2 and 3 AM to try to find help. I sought out adoption message boards for some reassurance. I needed reassurance from others who had been there that they went through the same thing and it got better, or it never got better, therefore don't adopt. I didn't find the reassurance I needed. Instead I got criticized and ridiculed by people telling me what a horrible person I was. I even had adopted (grown) children telling me how lucky they felt that they did not have me for a mom and that their mom was wonderful and would have never had those thoughts. I cried constantly. I still cry to this day when I really think about it enough. I am crying now…

I was at a low place. I contemplated horrible things. I knew I wasn't happy and things didn't seem to be getting better, but my husband was in love with this little girl. How could I do that to him? So, I decided to just make a decision and stick with it. We adopted her when she was four years old. She is now 12. While things have gotten considerably better with time and maturity, she and I have never gotten very close. I still feel that she has a closer relationship with her father. She seems very unhappy and distant. She also has attachment disorder. I wonder a lot what would have happened if I had not adopted her. Would she have been happier in another family? Would I have been happier? I don't know. I now (by the grace of God) have two additional biological children. While I love all three of my children, I do see very clearly the difference between the bonding of my biological children to me, and the lack of bonding to me from my adopted daughter. It is a shame and it really breaks my heart.

Her father and I are now divorced. Was this ordeal a contributing factor? Who knows? I know there was tremendous stress involved and that can lead to bigger problems. I wonder often how she feels now, living with me and seeing her dad part time. She is still much closer to him. However, when asked if she would like to live with him, she says no. I think she would miss her brother and sister too much. I do wonder if I need to get closer in proximity to her father, however. I know it is hard on both of them to not see each other often. We are living about an hour apart now.

However, I can say that these feelings are real and they need to be supported. Moms feeling confused need a safe haven and people to talk to. I found no support when I was going through this. So, judge if you will...but you have no idea until you have actually been in this situation. No matter how much you would like to think that you would never feel that way or give a child up after adoption, you never, never know until you have been there. I do understand. It is a living hell to have to make that kind of a decision. I applaud parents who stand their ground on what they believe to be the best decision, and I applaud anyone who brings this story to the public.

I am now a counselor (partly because of this experience) and I plan to write a book and start a practice counseling parents who are facing this same reality.